westwhere | [Open] I want to feel the fire that you kept from me.

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[Open] I want to feel the fire that you kept from me.

WHO: Zhou Zishu & OPEN! Wide open!
WHEN: His arrival~ Er. Re-arrival?
WHERE: Around. This man likes to wander.
WHAT: He's in bad shape and not able to hide it very well.
WARNINGS: A dying man, deep grief, thoughts verging on suicidal + TBD if any others crop up.

[Blind & Deaf]

The palace spins around him, the voices distant, meaningless. Zhou Zishu goes where he is directed, takes possession of his crystal and tries to swallow the heavy, nauseating fact that he has failed someone else dear to him. His days will surely run out here - wherever here might be - and the one responsible for everything will continue to...hurt others. Continue to lie and cheat and be praised for it.

"I'm sorry, Lao Wen." he whispers, barely moving his lips. He turns his back on the nobility, the opulence and wanders the halls, looking for a quiet place to wait. If he goes without food and drink, surely his end will come quicker. And then...

Will he see Wen Kexing again?

[Garden]

He finds the blooms, the greenery and settles himself at the base of a tree. Moving his body takes effort and he can no longer rest. Sleeping robs him of hours he can't risk losing. Baiyi, his sword, lays across his lap, his fragile (yet still skilled) hands laying across the blade.

The flowers are given a distant smile that doesn't reach his eyes. Maybe he could stay here. Forget a room; forget what they asked of him. Just let him become one with these beautiful plants. And if anyone disagrees, Baiyi will reprimand them.

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The first hint he has that Zishu doesn't believe what he's hearing, is just how pale his soulmate is. And then how that hand presses to the wall, and he hurries again - this time to reach for his arm to help support him as his smile fades to a look of concern, brows knitting together.

"A-Xu?"

Kexing glances frantically around for someplace to help the other man to - there! He doesn't ask, just starts dragging Zishu to the little inset bench he spotted, where he'll help the other to sit.

He lets himself be touched and led to the bench. The solid force further verifies that he isn't hallucinating. Wen Kexing is alive and right here. Coughing, blood tinges his lips and he settles on the bench gratefully. But he had seen...!

"How are you alive?" he tries to speak, to piece words together, "I saw you fall. Ye Baiyi stopped me from reaching you."

His hands shake and he clenches them in his lap, unable to look away from Kexing.

It's his turn to pale when that blood is coughed out, and he reaches up to gently dab those poor lips. Then that question has him blink before a short little laugh escapes as he ducks his head a little.

"I fell on purpose, A-Xu," he admits. Surely that can't go down badly.

"The old monster knew, and the little idiot. Everything's fine."

They...knew. It had been...a ploy? Swallowing against the iron tang on his tongue, Zishu lets his anger rise, grabbing the front of Kexing's robes in a tight fist.

"Why did you keep it from me?"

That...hurts. Why had they let him play the fool? And now...

"No!" his voice rises, cracking from strain, "Everything isn't."

He startles a little at suddenly being grabbed, but he doesn't fight as he stares at Zishu's fury. Beautiful. He shakes himself a little and rests a hand over Zishu's, patting it a little.

His confusion only grows at the question and denial. "A-Xu?"

It doesn't make sense, why is Zishu so angry? Maybe... "Are the -" he stops himself, then changes what he was about to say. "Are your injuries getting worse?" He knows how much Zishu hates talking about the nails. But he needs to know.

"I took them out." he grits his teeth around those words, wanting to scream, wanting to hit and punch and kiss the other man for being so damn reckless! But he had been too, hadn't he. His fist gradually loosens its hold and he gasps for breath.

"You fell. Ye Baiyi stopped me from following and carried me to an inn. Everyone was talking about your death. So I set out to kill Zhao Jing and..."

Now he feels incredibly idiotic. And follow you.

"I removed them myself."

In a place no one would hear him scream. He had drank plenty of wine for the task, but that didn't dull the pain.

For a moment, Kexing is certain he'd misheard that. But, with dawning horror, he realizes he was wrong. So very, very wrong.

All breath leaves him with a horrible little sound and he drops back on his heels when Zishu's fist loosens. He shakes his head, mute and denying.

Desperation sinks in and he reaches to pull the top of Zishu's clothes apart to look for himself, ignoring the tear that slips down a cheek. He doesn't hear himself verbally denying it under his breath.

"All wrong, nonono!" Please no, his heart cries out.

He doesn't like being manhandled by anyone, however Kexing is...his other half. If he wants to see the wounds, the scarring left over from the nails being expelled, Zishu will let him. Nothing has healed, of course, the openings are fresh and only lightly bandaged. Blood still seeps from them, turning the white bandages crimson.

That tear and how broken the other seems makes him feel guilty for telling Kexing the truth. He catches the tear on his finger and wipes away the wet trail on Kexing's cheek with his thumb.

"Lao Wen." he reaches out to pull his soulmate close, beckoning him, "It didn't kill me. I don't have long, but if you're here..."

He has a reason to fight; he has his reason to search for a cure.

"Let's find this land's healers."

Don't give up on me.

He'd fully expected to be shoved off, as he always has before. But he's...allowed to look. And what he finds has him shuddering, a bitter little laugh escaping. But Zishu brushes his cheek dry and he can't resist leaning into the tender touch. He watches, distantly, how his hands shake as he checks over those bloody bandages.

He doesn't resist being pulled close, almost collapsing against his soulmate. There's a desperation to his gaze as he lifts it to Zishu's face. Not long, but then he nods, lips pressing into a stubborn line as he settles beside his soulmate on the bench.

"When I woke up here, I met some necromancers," he keeps his voice quiet. He'd seen how badly those people were treated. "They might be able to help." But they need coin, which he has precious little. He forces himself to take a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

For Zishu, he can do anything. He reaches for one of his beloved's hands, just to hold.

"We'll find someone to save you, A-Xu." He'll accept nothing less.

All of his rage, all of his horror and confusion leak out of him and all his arms can do is hold and comfort. If his feelings weren't incredibly obvious before, they will be now as he silently fusses over the man who gave him a reason to live again. He doesn't like those bitter laughs and so he drags Kexing close and sweetens them with a soft kiss.

"Someone will have the answers we need." he puts on a brave smile and sighs, "I have a job. I will need to complete it and then find another."

Keeping busy will be good. He doesn't want to drowse away in bed. This way, with each day, he knows he is doing his best to stay with...this man. This is the one he has chosen and will always choose. Zishu kisses Kexing again, trying to chase that sadness away.

"I have my full power, at least. We can put that to good use."

Just as his feelings are made obvious - or so he thinks. He'd never meant for Zishu to do that. And he fusses too, straightening his soulmate's clothes before he relaxes into the sweet kiss. Zishu's kisses are the best medicine.

Still, he'll cling to that hand, as if afraid he'll lose Zishu if he lets go. "We'll find them," he manages to smile back, letting himself be soothed. He can't picture his soulmate doing nothing - that's not who Zhou Zishu is.

"And you have me," he finds a grin, and kisses back that second time. "With both of us, we can't fail."

And if they do...he'll follow his A-Xu into death.

There are so many emotions he has tried to stave off and ignore. He had liked their flirtatious game, but now the truth is necessary. Zishu doesn't have the time to play, to push off what he has known since the day they met. So he holds his Lao Wen close, gripping Kexing's hand as tightly as his is gripped. The message is clear: I'm here. I'm alive.

"Yes, I do." he smiles shakily, tears shimmering in his eyes, "Promise me that you will stay away from cliffs?"

Because they both know what will happen if Kexing falls over another one. Ye Baiyi won't be able to stop Zishu from following.

"And no more lies." please. He grows solemn and rests his head on Kexing's shoulder. "I need to know everything."

Their game had been fun. But even Kexing recognizes they can't afford to keep to it quite as much as before. Not enough time. So he presses as close to Zishu as he can manage, holding onto that hand as tight as he dares. He needs that silent message more than he'll admit.

The plea has him laugh again, head dropping down a little - a little brittle, but better than before. "No more cliffs," he promises. His free hand lifts up to touch those pale cheeks, a little shaky still.

"Fight for every day, A-Xu." Stay with me.

No more lies? His smile fades, but when that head settles on his shoulder he sighs and rests his cheek against that silky hair. "No more lies," he sighs, agreeing.

For his A-Xu, he'll do anything.

He hasn't gotten any rest since Kexing fell and it doesn't entirely surprise him that he is feeling sleepy. He can count on one hand the number of people he trusts enough to let himself relax completely around them. His soulmate is first on that list and Zishu fights back a yawn, thinking, for the first time, of his new bed.

"Swear?" he nips at the hand touching his cheek before he nuzzles against Kexing's palm. About the cliffs and the lies, of course.

"Why didn't you tell me?" the quiet question remains; he can't push it away - he can't bury it under his relief and fatigue, "I would've helped you too."

Kexing hardly sleeps as it is, unless Zishu or A-Xiang are with him. Or unless he's managed to drink enough the voices are quiet. The yawn Zishu gives decides him, but the nip and demand to swear stops him from scooping Zishu right up and carrying him to bed to sleep.

The nuzzling claims his soul, and he nuzzles the top of Zishu's head. "I swear. No more cliffs. And I will never lie to you again."

As for why he hadn't told his soulmate about his plan, he hesitates, but then stands and helps Zishu back to his feet. He wraps an arm around his waist and guides him to his room - he doesn't know where his A-Xu has been settled, and so his new room will just have to do.

It doesn't matter who sees them, not enough for him to pull away. Only when he gets them, eventually, to his room does he speak. "It seemed...best. I don't know why anymore."

He will sleep with Kexing beside him. The pain isn't as powerful as the bond they share and while his dreams might not be pleasant, he at least rests. He feels the nuzzling and turns his face further against Kexing's shoulder, breathing in his scent deeply.

"I promise you the same, Lao Wen." he smiles to himself at the hesitation and he lets himself be lifted up and guided to a room he doesn't recognize. It must belong to Kexing. Later he will memorize how much distance lies between their quarters and the best way to cross it quickly.

"You were afraid I would stop you. You were afraid I would disapprove." Zishu lays a hand on Kexing's chest, "For what he did to you, to your family, he deserves to die."

Deeply, too. Nothing is stronger than their bond. Kexing is still trying to fully accept that. He can never be alone again. Not while Zishu still lives, and even then...he won't continue. He'll just follow.

He beams when he feels his soulmate breathe in, flushing a little when he recognizes Zishu is breathing in his scent (hopefully he still smells nice!). It softens when the same vow is made to him, and he tightens his hold a little around Zishu.

Closing the door after them, he locks it and guides his soulmate to the comfortable bed, even if it's strange and not quite like the ones they're used to. Listening to his soulmate's thought on why he'd kept him in the dark, he has to nod in agreement. The hand Zishu rests against his chest might well feel the heart under it racing.

It's difficult to think of, but also...easier now. Now that all his memories have been unlocked. "...No...A-Xu. That's not the deal I made," he murmurs. "Exposing him to his peers, then making him helpless...then I will give him to his son. To Scorpion. Alive."

A fate worse than death, really. To be helpless. To be completely at the mercy of another. To be humiliated with every breath taken.

He's not sorry.

Kexing could smell like sweat or blood or perhaps something worse; Zishu would only be concerned about his well-being. Fortunately, however, his scent is none of those things and it leaves Zishu feeling stable and comforted. His soulmate is alive. He is in this strange world with him. Tomorrow, they can tackle what needs to happen next. But tonight, he can rest.

The bed doesn't faze him and he takes off his boots before laying down on it. Thanks to his role - "role" rather - in the palace, he has been freshly bathed and he looks better than he feels. Then again, he is feeling much better now that he isn't alone.

He glances up at his beloved when he feels that racing heart and then...he feels something new. Unwelcome. Is that a curl of jealousy?

"Are you close to...Scorpion?"

The punishment is likely more fitting than he realizes and yet that is the point his tired mind fixates on.

They're both freshly bathed, thanks to their roles here. But Kexing only cares for watching over Zishu - the rest can hang for all he cares, unless they can heal his A-Xu. Then they can live.

He pulls his boots off as well and shrugs off the heaviest layer before helping Zishu with the same before stretching out beside him and pulling the blankets up and over them. He blinks at that hint of jealousy and it makes him laugh suddenly, smiling fondly at his beloved.

"A-Xu," he murmurs, expression relaxing as he gazes adoringly at his soulmate. "He's just a tool. We were using each other. Nothing more." As warm as that jealousy makes him feel...he doesn't want Zishu to believe there was anything between him and Scorpion.

Shrugging off his outer robe, Zishu winces as his body protests. However Kexing makes the process easier for him and soon he is laying back again, the blanket tucked over...them...neatly. They have slept side by side in the past, but never fully on the same bed. It really is a shame he feels so weak!

The laughter earns a frown, but it melts into an apologetic blush at the explanation.

"He can't hurt you, I trust?" he turns onto his side so he can see Kexing better. Colors have become dull, yet his soulmate stands out. If he is destined to lose his sight, he wants Wen Kexing's face to be the last thing he sees.

The wince worries him, so of course he helps his soulmate in removing layers so he can rest easier. Getting to sleep so close to Zishu...it warms his heart right up, and sooths it to a slower, comfortable pace. He also settles on his side, unwilling to look away just yet.

Perhaps he'll just have to find a way to never look away from Zishu, ever again! He smiles at that cute blush and brushes fingertips over a cheek, though he knows the sad fact that his beloved's senses are dulled now.

"He wouldn't dare." Maybe he's over confident. But it doesn't matter here, does it?

He takes hold of Kexing's hand and nestles those graceful fingers against his cheek. Scooting closer, he snuggles against his soulmate, the other half of his heart, and lets his guard disintegrate. He is safe with this man, his beloved, his junior, and he trusts they will conquer tomorrow and the days to come.

He won't let Kexing die. Going through that once had been horrible enough.

"I pity him. No one deserves such a poor father figure." Zishu strokes a hand over Kexing's cheek, "You are real, aren't you?"

The snuggling makes him utterly melt and he wraps his free arm around Zishu, pulling him close. Of course he lets his soulmate keep his hand, and he strokes his thumb over his cheek. He rests their foreheads together but can't bear to tear his gaze away.

For all his experience in brothels, he'd never felt so seen. So accepted, as he does with Zhou Zishu. And...his soulmate knows who he is now. And still accepts him. He turns his face to nuzzle that hand, pressing a smile and a kiss to Zishu's palm.

"I'm here, A-Xu. Beside you forever." As for Scorpion, he shrugs. "His talents were wasted." But then he pouts a little, giving his beloved a sulky look. "Why are we still talking about him?"

It amazes him that he can have this at all. Zishu has never allowed himself indulgence - of course that isn't to say he has never made use of a brothel. The few times he did, he left feeling...empty. And any dalliances he might have had - briefly - with members of his sect were quickly forgotten once the sun rose on a new day. He isn't sure if anyone has ever pined for him - he pities them if they have - but Wen Kexing is the first man who has ever made him pine.

He loves him. He hurts for him. He wants to be beside him until time itself ends. The kiss makes him smile and the expression becomes more amused as his beloved speaks.

"You're right. I would rather talk about you." Zishu presses his lips against that pout, kissing those soft lips lightly, "I love you, Lao Wen."

Wen Kexing has always appreciated and enjoyed male beauty. But then he'd met Zhou Zishu as adults. How could he really even look at another now? He certainly hasn't touched. Women - sure, he's let them drape over him, fawning, and poured him wine as entertainment. They were beautiful, but they were there for the money he provided for their services.

What Zishu is is far deeper and more precious. Priceless. He relaxes when he's with his A-Xu. He can even believe he feels peace.

He loves those smiles. He laughs as he gets another kiss, his heart skipping a beat as he melts against it. Only to flush at those sweet words. He leans in to claim a kiss of his own, lingering in the loving affection before murmuring against his love's lips, "really really?" A childish question, he knows. Claims another feather-light kiss before sobering, gazing into his soulmate's eyes.

"You are my everything, Zhou Zishu. I need you more than air or food or wine."

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[CW: Blood.]

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cw: suicidal thought

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