westwhere | Someone please call Gordon Ramsay

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Someone please call Gordon Ramsay

WHO: Xie Lian, OPEN
WHEN: During the traveling to Taravast
WHERE: On the road
WHAT: Xie Lian cooks.
WARNINGS: Xie Lian cooks.

A. Kitchen nightmares

[Being on the road with a large group of people is actually pretty nice, but Xie Lian is a bit wary of mixing too much with humans, for Reasons. Still, he is too gregarious and congenial not to, plus, he’s actually strong enough to carry a lot of things, and he’s quite good at chores, so he’s making himself helpful, in spite of everything.

They’ve all been given rations, and when they stop for food, he’ll try and cook a little something in a slightly banged up pot on a small fire. It started out as soup with dumplings, or at least that’s what Xie Lian will say if asked, but right now the unidentified lumps in the pot are definitely not soup. As for what they are…. well, that’s a mystery.

But if he sees someone approach, Xie Lian will smile kindly.]

Have you eaten?

((OOC : PLEASE NOTE THAT XIE LIAN’S COOKING IS CANONICALLY SO BAD that it rendered some very powerful humans unconscious for hours and they woke up feeling really bad, and it incapacitated a god badly enough that he spoke with mangled punctuation for weeks if not months afterwards. Feel free to play up the effects this would have on your character as randomly as you wish, from your run-of-the-mill diarrhea to full out KO.))

B. Waste Not

[After whoever’s unfortunate adventure with the food some of it has ended up on the floor, and well, Xie Lian doesn’t like wasting food. He’s been hungry a lot before, too many times to let food go to waste, and besides, it hasn’t been on the floor long.

He’ll pick up one of the meatbun-like lumps, and clean it off a bit with his sleeve… and then bite into it and munch.

Nom.]

C.Ghost food poisoning

[If you’ve been keeping an eye on the ghost army, you might have seen Xie Lian occasionally walking among them and talking to them, as normally as he talks to other people around.

And after that last cooking adventure, you might have noticed a few of the ghost soldiers are either entirely missing - not just flickering away to reappear later, just, gone, and others seem to avoid Xie Lian coming near them and looks decidedly less solid than they ever have, near transparent.

Xie Lian doesn’t seem to notice the slight ostracism of the ghosts - some of them are still quite happy to converse with him and swap stories, but it is quite noticeable if you look closely. And if Xie Lian offers food, the ghosts will politely, but firmly refuse it.

Word got out, apparently.]

D.Crimson Rain

[He probably should be resting but…

The blood rain brings back memories, so many of them, and he can’t help sneaking out from the shelter that has been found, his bamboo hat over his head as some sort of vague protection against the splatter of red. Even then, it barely covers him, but he knows it will all disappear in the morning, so it doesn’t matter if red flowers bloom on his sleeves as he gets pelted.

He’s holding out his hand, absentmindedly watching the drops of blood fall on his hand.]

San Lang… It can’t be you, right? If you were here, you would have found me by now.

[His other hand goes to grab the crystal ring on the chain around his neck. This is still safe, and he will make sure to keep it safe.]

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[Throughout their traversal of the Stairs, Xingchen hasn't necessarily stuck in a specific group. Instead, he's simply nudged his beast - a horse, he's been told, and her height holds truth in that assessment - along with everyone else. So when it's time to take a break, he isn't too sure where within the group he's ended up. Luckily, as he gravitates toward the heat of a fire, the companion's voice that calls out to him is a familiar one, bringing a small smile to his lips.]

No, not yet.

[While he's sure there are plenty of rations for this trip, Xingchen still doesn't want to eat frivolously. But, at the same time, he should eat, and if a friend is asking, who is he to refuse? So he makes his way over to Xie Lian and pats out a seat next to the other man. As he settles in, something...unpleasant reaches his nose.

Maybe it's just a result of traveling amongst the unwashed masses. Maybe it's him.

...No, surely he would have smelled himself beforehand if that were the case. Regardless, he ignores it for now as best as he can.]

You've been well? Not that I'm implying this trip would cause you trouble.

Oh, I'm fine. I've traveled around like this a lot, and usually with much less comfort. This is fine, really.

[Xie Lian isn't commenting on any offensive smells, so Xiao Xingchen can make of that what he wills.]

I haven't made much but there's enough to share if you'd like, daozhang.

[he managed to grab some bowls and he'll divide up the ... stew? Whatever this has become, really, into them, and put one right next to Xiao Xingchen's hand and nudge his hand.]

[He doesn't know Xie Lian particularly well, but Xingchen has a positive opinion of him. Then again, he supposes when one joins a cult with another outside acquaintance, that experience builds up a unique bond. He wonders, however, if Xie Lian is also a cultivator, or at least has some knowledge.]

I understand. I used to travel, as well. You get used to it, don't you?

[And then they're back to the subject at hand. Xingchen hadn't intended to invite himself to dinner, so to speak, but since Xie Lian has offered, he can't very well decline. His hand is nudged and he takes the bowl of whatever is offered - Xingchen isn't a picky eater, so this isn't a problem - and as he brings it closer, that pungent smell nearly overcomes him.

Oh. Well, it's good to know he wasn't the culprit, after all.

It's still particularly strong, though, and Xingchen struggles to school his expression. Don't be rude. Maybe Xie Lian found some local animal to cook and it just gives off a strange aroma. Wild game can be like that.

Swallowing, he nods in gratitude.]

Thank you. You're too kind.

[He takes a shallow breath and then holds it, getting ready to take a bite of the odorous meal, which...

Okay. To Xie Lian's credit, and perhaps the only good thing to say about...this stew? It's hot.

But Xingchen's body registers this fact for barely a split second, his senses immediately overcome with disgust and retaliation. This food, if it can be called that, is easily the worst thing Xingchen has ever tasted. He hasn't even swallowed and yet his body immediately buzzes with panicked life, his muscles practically screaming at him to spit it out! spit it out!, but Xingchen instead clenches his teeth shut painfully, the liquid and solid bits imprisoned in the unsuspecting jail cell of his mouth. He has to remember to breathe.

That's a decision he immediately regrets, the taste blooming even more brilliantly on his tongue. Xingchen gags, but keeps his mouth shut. The world, the entire universe, exists only in his mouth as he struggles.

But he can't spit this out, even if he should. He has to swallow. Just one bite. He can walk away and dispose of the rest afterward. He can say he's not that hungry to begin with. Anything. He just has to swallow this one bite.

The act, usually so simple, takes on a herculean effort. Mind over muscles, though in this case, even his mind is against him. Social cues over self-preservation.

He swallows.

...

He thinks he might be dying.

Sweat breaks out on his forehead and he shakes more intensely. There's a new kind of buzzing in his veins, something that spreads to his gut, something impossibly thick and hot and terrible.

Oh, no. What if even his Core can't fight this off?

He thinks he's definitely dying.

Oh, no.]

[On his side, Xie Lian is happily monching on the content of his bowl and entirely unaware of the /ahem internal struggle he has just provoked in more ways than just one.

It's only after a few bites that he realizes his companion is very silent, and he looks up, puzzled.]

... Daozhang, are you alright? You look a little pale. Did you walk in the sun too much today?

[He doesn't answer Xie Lian's queries at first, both because his mind simply doesn't catch up with the fact that someone else is talking and also because he's not sure he'll be able to speak when he does finally listen. He's still overwhelmed by...everything. His hands clench harshly around the bowl in his hands, but he finally manages to shake his head in answer.

Not that that's much of an answer.

Finally, however, he parts his lips and tentatively breathes, quietly speaks.]

I...I must've...

[The sun has been warm and he probably hasn't drank enough water.

Xingchen knows that's not the problem here, but he'll let it slide. Slide, like how he ends up falling heavily against Xie Lian's side, some of the...food...sloshing over the side of the bowl and onto his own fingers. He doesn't move to correct any of it.]

[Okay, now, Xie Lian is really concerned. He manages to mostly catch the bowl and put it down, and then put his own down, and then touch Xiao Xingchen's forehead.

He's warm and yet clammy at the same time, and his stomach seems to be rumbling... almost as if he's been poisoned, and yet, he's eaten nothing but Xie Lian's food...

Xie Lian makes a quick decision and lifts up the half unconscious cultivator in his arms. Such a big caravan must have a medic of some kind, somewhere.]

Someone, please help! This person is sick!

[Ever weak to the promise of food, Eleven brightens in swift response to the question, trailing nearer and glancing past Xie Lian with curious eyes]

Is it something other than millet?

Edited 2021-07-03 23:29 (UTC)

Well, I was trying to make dumpling soup, but I think it's more like a stew right now?

[Do not ask him how that happened, okay, he doesn't know.]

There's enough to share, if you want some.

[Food that Xie Lian made? That's sure to be a treat, even if it is just soup.
Eleven nods]

I'd love a bowl, if you don't mind.

[You sweet summer child....

Xie Lian will ladle some of... whatever this is now into a bowl, and hold it out, then serve himself, and start sipping from the thing almost immediately.]

Be careful, it's a little hot.

[He accepts the bowl with a smile. The heat seeps into his fingers, promising wonderful warmth. Admittedly the smell isn't quite as appetizing as he'd hoped, but it's food that isn't millet and prepared by a god- how bad could it possibly be?

Eleven tests the heat, then takes a hearty swallow. For a few, blissful moments, it's a wonderful, almost burn down his throat that warms him from the inside out. And then the liquid sours and his stomach twists. The heat so wonderful moments before spreads into fevered discomfort. His skin prickles with it, insides tightening as his face pales. The smell is more than mildly unpleasant now, becoming nauseating.

With shaking hands, he offers the bowl back]

Sorry, I.. I'm not feeling well, just now.

Oh?

[Well, he does look a little pale. Xie Lian will take the bowl back and set it down.]

Did you stay int he sun too much? Sometimes, if you do and don't drink enough, it can make you sick.

[He shakes his head in lieu of speaking as his tongue sours with an acidic fluid he'd spit out if not for present company. But swallowing it, he finds, violently turns his stomach]

I- ex-excuse me.

[And that's all he manages before sprinting off to find the most convenient place to get sick]

[Okay, that looks a bit more serious than he first thought, and he'll follow to rub Eleven's back as he retches.

If only he could share energy better, he might be able to give the poor child some.]

Such a big caravan probably has a medic. I'll try to find them, alright?

[Eleven shudders through the disgust that compels him to wretch again alongside the brush of humiliation that comes with said illness. He can only nod miserably as Xie Lian offers to find a medic, not trusting himself enough to speak quite yet.

And well that he doesn't, because he winds up throwing up far more than feels healthy and no longer quite as mindful about company when he's shaking, unsteady, and too hot]

Though Jiang Cheng's first impulse is to refuse, as 'no' is never far from his lips, the second his surly, ill-tempered gaze falls upon the soft smile on Xie Lian's lips, he finds himself too disarmed to speak. He simply blinks at the gentle stranger he's glimpsed out of the corner of his eye now and then for some time now, and by the time he can speak again it's too late to do anything but shake his head.

"No, I, ah— I was looking for— Are you eating alone?"

"Hm. But there's enough for two, if you'd like some."

After all, they're all on this journey together, and it's a long road so they should share and not waste food, right?

This man give Xie Lian the same kind of feeling as Lan Wangji does, the qi brimming. Another cultivator, then, and a pretty powerful one.

"I'm Xie Lian."

Jiang Cheng stops to bow in greeting, muscle memory taking over as his thought process dissolves into a summer cicada's scream.

"Jiang Cheng, courtesy name Jiang Wanyin." A pause, then— "If it's not an intrusion, I will dine with you."

"No intrusion at all. We should probably conserve food anyway and I have enough to share."

There, let him ladle some of... whatever this is, really, into a bowl, and hold it out to Jiang Cheng.

Then he sits back on his own makeshift seat - just a flat stone, really - and starts devouring his own share. From his various mishaps with food, he's learned to eat fast and make sure to get enough.

Jiang Cheng sits nearby as well, doing this entirely out of politeness as he thinks Xie Lian is just so lonely he's trying to find anyone to be his dinner date. And, well, who can turn down a smile like that? Not Jiang Cheng.

So he sits, and he takes his bowl, and he stares at it a second with concern. But he grew up with Wei Wuxian's occasional idea of what constitutes food, and he did endure war and famine and the burning of his entire sect and ancestral home, so surely he can manage a few swallows? For propriety? That's most of a sect leader's job, anyway. Swallowing for propriety. So he takes up a spoon and has a bite.

His eyes go wide as he chokes a little, forcibly swallowing it before he can taste any more of— Whatever that is—

Zidian gives a crackle, sensing a threat. He looks at Xie Lian wide-eyed, incredulous, mouth hanging open. He drools a little, unattractively. He can't feel his tongue or, increasingly, his lips.

"What did you feed me?!"

"Hm?"

Xie Lian looks up from his bowl, and finishes swallowing his mouthful, seemingly none worse for wear from it.

"Well, I wanted to make dumpling soup, but I think it turned into more of a stew of some kind, somehow. Is it not seasoned enough?"

Did he somehow offer something unsatisfactory?

[ Turning towards Xie Lian just in time to catch him as he salvaged one of the dumpling-shaped things from the floor, dusted it off, and ate it Lily's eyebrows shot up in surprise as her hand lifted to lightly cover her mouth. ]

Are you sure that's still going to be alright to eat?

[ Lowering her hand as she asked the question Lily looked more skeptical than shocked - though it certainly didn't strike her as the most sterile choice if she were pressed for an opinion. In truth, the stew itself hadn't looked at all appealing, and though she thought Xie Lian was a lovely person, Lily was glad that when she'd been offered the stew she hadn't told a lie when she told him she'd already eaten.

The hasty retreat of the person who'd retreated from the stew, discarding it hastily enough for one of the dumpling-things to fall in the first place didn't speak volumes for it either, and though she wasn't eating she lingered by the fire for light and warmth long enough to see it for herself.

Trying to keep her expression neutral and not at all dubious she cocked her head. ]

Where did you learn to cook?

It hasn't been there long. I'm sure it's fine. I've had worse things before.

['Dubious' is honestly one of the kindest way to describe Xie Lian's cooking. 'Borderline lethal' is probably more accurate, not that he's really aware of that.]

... Well, here and there, and mostly on my own. For a long time I had other people cooking for me, and when I ended up on my own, I sort of had to learn on the go, and I never had a lot of money, so I made do with what I could find.

Have you lived on the road like this before? When you were on your own and having to be on the go, I mean.

[ Life since arrival was a good deal more spartan than Lily was used to, whose experience with roughing it began and ended with the camping trips she took with her family on summer holiday.

Casting another glance in the direction of the stew pot Lily tilted her head. ]

Have the soldiers enjoyed it? I'm sorry to miss out, I made fried millet cakes earlier, they're awful but they go down quickly so you don't have to think too much about eating millet.

Oh yes! I was basically just wandering from place to place until very recently. And I have joined caravans before, for long distances.

[And he's going to laugh awkwardly at that question.]

Apparently, no one else but me seems to be able to stomach it. I know I' not the best cook there is, but people are having a hard time with it.

[ Lily's eyes widened a little when he mentioned the rather strong reaction his stew had gotten, and she hated to admit it but she was rather glad she had been full when offered. ]

I'm sure it's not that bad. [ She tried to sound encouraging and smiled at him, but the idea of cooking being so bad ghosts were having troubles was rather mind-boggling. ]

You used things from the same supply everyone else cooks from, it can't possibly be terrible.

Edited (omg i apologize for the redundant brainfart, edited to fix) 2021-07-21 01:00 (UTC)

That's what I thought as well, but apparently it is. A a few people got sick, and some of the ghosts vanished because of it...

[Which really seems to be a lot more power than it should be able to exert because again, it's just food.]

I can just finish it myself, it's fine. I already promised not to cook anymore.

It's rather odd that it bothered them.

[ The last thing she wanted was to make Xie Lian feel worse about his cooking. While she was grateful she had not eaten any, she thought he was very considerate to think of the rest of the group, soldiers included and cook in the first place.

Letting the matter go Lily gave Xie Lian an encouraging smile. ]

At least in Taravast, we stand a chance of running into something more than millet.

Hm. It's not that bad, really. I've had to eat much worse stuff before. It's a bit monotonous to always have the same, but at last it's warm and it fills the stomach.

[And that's all you can ask of food, really. It being good is just a nice bonus.]

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Someone please call Gordon Ramsay

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