westwhere | I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time

His arms wrapped tight about her waist in turn, holding her warmth to him, praying to commit this feeling too, to memory. He would return to darkness and the mountain chill if his soul escaped the Void. Would that he could call on this remembered warmth when he did.

There was so much he wanted to say- that he was sorry for. Not about having been together, no matter how much that hurt, but that he couldn't stay with her, that he was choosing to leave, that he was breaking her heart just as surely as his own.

"Goddess, may we meet again," he whispered into her hair, a fervent prayer. "If not in this life, then our next.."

"I've got a leaf now don't I?" While once that question might have been bolstered by the bravado she never seemed to lack with him, now it came out squeaked and sniffled, the last syllable breaking sadly on the air. She had to stop and take a breath before daring speech again.

"That ought to get me there." It wouldn't. His prayer would be answered no, she knew. For all the unthinkable things that had happened since Lily stepped off of the train and into the woods by the farm back in Sa-Hareth, for all the impossibilities she had been presented with, some things were too far-fetched even for a situation such as theirs.

"You'll be brave and brilliant. You'll save her, and everyone else too. I know you will."

Eleven raised a hand to cradle the back of her head. He inhaled deeply.

"..Yes." He sniffed and prayed that somehow, the will he poured into crafting her that leaf would somehow lead her to him in the next life.

He shuddered with her assurance. There were countless lives already lost when Yggdrasil fell, more in the months of darkness that followed. The cycle of rebirth was broken, just as it was in this world. But if there was any way to restore Her- even if it cost him his life, it would be worth it.

"When I do," he said quietly, voice low. "I will ask for Her favor in this."

"Don't say it," she said hastily, shaking her head as tears rolled down her cheeks. "If you say that I'll spend my life waiting for that favor to be granted." Her thoughts turned to the England she was coming home to, and the coming war she was meant to be a part of - a war she didn't expect to help win, not if the hints about the future Hermione had given her here and there were to be believed.

It stood to reason that she would wait anyway, but it was better for both of them not to dwell. They had been indulgent enough with one another and were currently reaping the painful fruits of that - it was best not to add more to it here in these final moments, not if he expected her to loosen her arms and let him leave.

"I promise though, that I won't forget you." He would never live in her world, and she would never live in his, except in memory. It would have to be enough.

Eleven's hand lowered to encircled her shoulders to again hold her close. His head bowed. He didn't expect Yggdrasil to be able to grant the wish closest to his heart, but it could be that She might reincarnate their souls into the same place and time.

He exhaled a stuttering breath and blinked through the wetness in his eyes. Cleared his throat in an attempt to strengthen it.

"I know. I'm grateful for everything you've given me.. I will pray every day for your safety and happiness."

Her arms went tighter around him as she managed a nod, sniffling again before she spoke.

"Me too. I didn't expect," Lily cut herself off with a quiet sob, unable to finish that thought. "I'm very grateful for you too Eleven, more than I have time to say."

Holding onto him she stayed silent for a moment, hoping she would be able to remember exactly how it felt to have him near for the rest of her life.

Eleven closed his eyes and simply held her, managing to steady his breathing at least. He's miss this- miss her- so much when he went back.

"I'm leaving a few things here, I think. My journal.. It's not terribly interesting a read, but if you'd like. It just helped a little. I also won't need that sword- or the coin from this world, I suppose.."

As he went over the things he would leave behind Lily said nothing, too busy holding her breath to stop herself sobbing as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Of course, I'd like. I'll," she shook her head, forcing herself to continue. "I'll take care of everything after you've gone."

It was a horrible thing to say and the words felt bitter in her mouth as reality doubled back on her, reminding her of the fact that very soon now, he would be gone, and things would carry on - she would carry on - all the same.

It did feel a bit like he was putting his affairs in order- like he was dying. And in a way, he supposed he was.

"..Are you staying?" he asked, a little hopeful, but far more guilty. If she stayed, she wouldn't be going back to that war, though he doubted this world was much safer. The thought of her living here without him however, in a place full of memories, seemed almost worse.

"I hadn't thought," she said quietly. Keeping one arm around Eleven she freed a hand to wipe her face before looking at him through bleary eyes, still trying to wrap her head around how he was going to go, and he wasn't going to come back. Part of her ached to see her parents again and wanted to burst through the Beacon and back home, but the pervasive thought that the war was for nothing - and that horrible scar Hermione had - held her back.

"Does that mean it's time?" Lily blinked back fresh tears, torn between wanting to rip the bandage off and getting every last second with him that she could.

Edited 2021-12-28 00:45 (UTC)

Goddess, she looked miserable. Eleven raised a hand to unstick a strand of hair from her face and tuck it behind her ear. He hesitated, reluctant to answer. If he said 'yes', it would end. If he said 'no'..

He bit his lip, expression complicating.

"..I don't want it to be," he admitted, shifting, holding her to him again. The pieces of his heart dropped freely through his chest to roil about in his stomach. "But.. I suppose it should."

There was a whole half a minute there when she nodded and kept her expression level, but the more she sat with the knowledge that it was time to go the deeper her resolve cracked.

With a sob she reached for him, pulling him close against her as her shoulders shook, tears springing up fresh all over again. "I'm never going to see you again," she whispered miserably.

Goddess, but it hurt so much more to hear aloud in Lily's broken voice. So final. Eleven squeezed his eyes closed and felt something in his chest contract to the point of pain. After everything they'd shared- never seeing each other again... He inhaled a sharp breath, feeling his throat close up, thick with emotion. He held her close and pressed a trembling kiss to her forehead as his eyes welled with fresh tears.

For a few moments, he silently loathed his title and all the pain it had ever brought him.

He exhale, breaths hitching wetly. He wanted to say he loved her, but knew it would break him- possibly both of them- if he did. Instead he held her tight, rocking them, and worked to dredge up the resolve to let her go.

She hated that he couldn't, or wouldn't take her along with him, and she hated that she couldn't bring herself to mention it and risk rejection. It was something she knew she would come to regret as the weeks and months without him went by.

Keeping her arms around him, not yet willing to even so much as try to hold onto him a little less tightly, Lily hid her face against his shoulder, considering what it was she had to look forward to without him. Even if she went home, she knew she wasn't going to be able to shake this sadness off easily. The loss of him was going to stay with her for a long time.

"Eleven," Lily lifted her head, resting it against his and she closed her eyes and tried to fight off the tears once more.

Eleven shushed her with a shake of his head. His will was already fraying the longer he thought about it. Spiraled down a meandering path of what-ifs that sounded livable until inevitably, the thought of leaving Erdrea to darkness, where the reincarnation cycle was broken and the threat of devastation on par with this world seized him again.

"I can't," he repeated helplessly. "I can't."

And finally, envisioning cities ruled by the undead in Erdrea, crumbling ruins where there were once thriving kingdoms, he loosed his hold on her and forced his arms to drop.

"Goddess, I'm sorry, but I can't leave Erdrea to darkness- without hope. I wish.."

He wished a lot of things.

"No," she shuddered, sucking in a deep breath and holding it as she forced her arms to fall away from him. "You can't." She would never know the road he had to walk, that much was true, but she knew enough to know that there wasn't much of a choice. There were things in his world that only he could fix.

"You've got to go El," Lily was crying, but her words still carried enough conviction to give them weight. Just because she hated this, didn't make it any less true. "I don't know if I can watch," she drew back, putting space between them.

"I don't think I can." Was it a failing that she wouldn't be able to stay at his side to the end?

The urge to reach for her and draw her back to him was strong. Instead, Eleven could only watch helplessly and curse his title once more. His hands curled to fists at his side as he nodded.

He'd imagined what it would be like to watch Lily return to her own world enough times to understand the inevitable pain of it. If it was terrible now, then.. Eleven loosed a breath and shivered.

For the first time, he wished his heart wasn't so fragile, that he could harden it against Lily's tears as well as his own. What small solace he had left came in imagining that as he tore Mordegon from his floating fortress and ended his reign with righteous fury, his decision would feel vindicated. He'd watch the sun rise, then- more beautiful than any other dawn- and weather the years to follow with quiet resolve.

"It's okay," he assured, forcing himself to stand- to look around and begin to organize what he needed and leave what he didn't. Selfishly, he wanted her to come with him- to extend their time together for as long as possible despite the futility of it, and how much more painful it would be in the end.

Eleven swallowed. "If you want, I can just.. leave the room, if it would be easier."

"We'll say goodbye and both leave together. I'll take the long way to the Beacon. I'm sure you're not the only person I'll be seeing off today, and I should go, but, after." If she let herself think about who else she might be losing this fragile veneer of composure was doomed. Just mentioning his departure was enough to make her voice take on a watery tremble.

Lily stood and watched him, taking the last chance she had to memorize the shape of him as he got his things together. "You're going to be brilliant Eleven," she said suddenly, too sad to have any disdain for the weakness in her voice. "I'm very proud of you," her hand fell to her bracer, turning it around her wrist as she blinked back a fresh onslaught of tears.

Eleven turned back to her with furrowed brows and a frown. Goddess, but he couldn't look at her without his heart breaking over again. What he wouldn't give to be able to tell her that he'd stay, to watch her misery ease into comfort and later, joy.

But Erdrea was not one of those things.

He stepped toward her, eyes falling to her wrist. How short-sighted he'd been, to make that for her, to think it would bring her anything but pain. He'd poured his heart into it, praying it would mean something.

It took a few tries to form the shape of the words he wanted to say. They felt so final in his mind that his voice strained to speak them.

"..Another life, love. We'll meet again."

Edited 2021-12-30 01:41 (UTC)

I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time

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