Brief though it is, that sob cuts through him, almost choking him, like it's come from him too, somewhere deep and unknown, a fear of never belonging to anyone or anything that undoes him as easily as he's unraveled his tie. It's a fear of himself, too, his ultimate fear; but Vanessa knows that as well. A fear of love and loss, yet a desperate want for it; equally, a fear of being known fully, accepted, understood.
The Doctor hesitates going to her only because he doubts himself. He's brought her to tears, after all. He was trying to comfort, but it's gone all wrong. Words so often sound just right in his mind but then he says them out loud and instead, he breaks hearts and souls. Not good for anyone at all, this tired old Doctor. He meant the words to say, I understand you. We can understand each other. You're not alone. Instead, he's conjured a bleak existence for her inadvertently, yet for her sake, he can and must lead her back to hope, in the twisty-turny, sometimes confusing way that he favors.
If she'll permit him, he comes to join her by the window, sitting close to her. He's gentle and careful, moving first to brush a tear away, and then to take both of her hands into his own, cradling them. He worries at the scratches there, something he'll need to ask about. Tenderly, his thumb traces a few of the marks before he leans in to kiss them softly, lingering just a moment before pulling away.
"There's a place down deep where all the darkness lives," he starts softly, his eyes focused on her hands for the moment. It's hard to look at her because he's about to share more of himself out loud than he ever has before. He doesn't know how to do that, yet he has a feeling of trust with her that he won't be judged for it. It feels necessary in a way he can't explain. If she's shared so much with him, he owes her the same. Again, he would normally run from this and he has. But he's stuck here in this world, trying to help. How can he help her if he continues to withhold from her?
"You understand it because it lives in both of us. In different ways, I know, but you haven't seen all of me. And sometimes, that darkness crushes the light."
Here, he hesitates again. Secrets keep him safe. How much does he tell her? Will it scare her? Or will it - like he hopes - make her feel less alone?
"There's a version of me that wants destruction, vengeance. A version of me that would take and consume everything - obliterate someone's mind and turn memories into dust without guilt or compunction. It's not me, but it is. A version of me, a vision of my future, what I could become, what I have become. It lives with me everyday. It's not just an idea, it's part of me and something I can't ignore."
The Valeyard, Time Lord Victorius. He has been these versions of himself, he's met these versions of himself. His old friend, The Master, had even told him, There is some evil in all of us, Doctor – even you. The Valeyard is an amalgamation of the darker sides of your nature.
He finally looks up at her again. "You don't have to be alone. I'm with you, Vanessa."
It's easier to tell her what he can do for her rather than to admit to his own feelings. That terrifies him too much.
"All things end because they must, but time and who we are is in flux. I know versions of an ending of all possible timelines. Some things are fixed and can't be changed, but that isn’t true for you. I wouldn’t let it be." Said with complete confidence, no wavering. “I don't know the beginning and I don't know all of how the middle part goes, but there's hope in the in-between, where we are now. And what happens here can change our futures."
no subject
The Doctor hesitates going to her only because he doubts himself. He's brought her to tears, after all. He was trying to comfort, but it's gone all wrong. Words so often sound just right in his mind but then he says them out loud and instead, he breaks hearts and souls. Not good for anyone at all, this tired old Doctor. He meant the words to say, I understand you. We can understand each other. You're not alone. Instead, he's conjured a bleak existence for her inadvertently, yet for her sake, he can and must lead her back to hope, in the twisty-turny, sometimes confusing way that he favors.
If she'll permit him, he comes to join her by the window, sitting close to her. He's gentle and careful, moving first to brush a tear away, and then to take both of her hands into his own, cradling them. He worries at the scratches there, something he'll need to ask about. Tenderly, his thumb traces a few of the marks before he leans in to kiss them softly, lingering just a moment before pulling away.
"There's a place down deep where all the darkness lives," he starts softly, his eyes focused on her hands for the moment. It's hard to look at her because he's about to share more of himself out loud than he ever has before. He doesn't know how to do that, yet he has a feeling of trust with her that he won't be judged for it. It feels necessary in a way he can't explain. If she's shared so much with him, he owes her the same. Again, he would normally run from this and he has. But he's stuck here in this world, trying to help. How can he help her if he continues to withhold from her?
"You understand it because it lives in both of us. In different ways, I know, but you haven't seen all of me. And sometimes, that darkness crushes the light."
Here, he hesitates again. Secrets keep him safe. How much does he tell her? Will it scare her? Or will it - like he hopes - make her feel less alone?
"There's a version of me that wants destruction, vengeance. A version of me that would take and consume everything - obliterate someone's mind and turn memories into dust without guilt or compunction. It's not me, but it is. A version of me, a vision of my future, what I could become, what I have become. It lives with me everyday. It's not just an idea, it's part of me and something I can't ignore."
The Valeyard, Time Lord Victorius. He has been these versions of himself, he's met these versions of himself. His old friend, The Master, had even told him, There is some evil in all of us, Doctor – even you. The Valeyard is an amalgamation of the darker sides of your nature.
He finally looks up at her again. "You don't have to be alone. I'm with you, Vanessa."
It's easier to tell her what he can do for her rather than to admit to his own feelings. That terrifies him too much.
"All things end because they must, but time and who we are is in flux. I know versions of an ending of all possible timelines. Some things are fixed and can't be changed, but that isn’t true for you. I wouldn’t let it be." Said with complete confidence, no wavering. “I don't know the beginning and I don't know all of how the middle part goes, but there's hope in the in-between, where we are now. And what happens here can change our futures."