[His eyes are on Xingchen's throat, even though he doesn't mean for that.

Don't leave me.

What matters? What matters at all, what matter so him?

He remembers the day Song Lan came to Yi City, when he'd known, with certainty, that things would go exactly has planned. And he remembers wishing that he'd never have come. Take any of it back?]

I can't take it back.

[That's just a statement, it's stalling, because he's not sure how to word his thoughts, how to explain what he feels, he doesn't truly comprehend it.]

Anything. Everything. I'd take everything back, daozhang. For you.

[Does that matter at all? He doubts it. Even as he kneels in front of Xingchen, looking up at him with his arms raised, still in punishment position, he doubts it matters how he feels. Sorry. What is that?]

For daozhang, I want to not have been born.