[Xingchen huffs out a laugh before he can stop himself. If he lived poorly? Well. He's certainly made some choices after descending the mountain. Baoshan Sanren always told her disciples that those who left would meet a tragic end. Xingchen had, up until recently, thought that his tragedy wasn't so bad. Falling from grace, being blind, and taking in two other outcasts of society hadn't been anything with which he couldn't live.
He thought.
But he takes another breath and tries to shake himself of these thoughts. They're always going to weigh on him, but he has to square up his shoulders and carry that weight. Lan Wangji doesn't say these things to poke at Xingchen's regrets; he speaks wise words, good words. Xingchen doesn't care about his own legacy. He really would have been content enough living out the rest of his days in a quiet town with the only friends he had left in the world. Maybe not as happy as he could be, but it would have been enough. Yet, now that everything feels as if it's rolling rapidly downhill, Lan Wangji has a point. Instead of letting himself roll right along with everything, he should at least try to grab onto something to pull himself out of it. His life in retrospect may have been a mess, but he can die trying to do something better.
His shattered bonds still hurt and it's going to take time to recover from them, if he ever does. His trust has been wounded and Xingchen wants more than anything right now, outside of being poisoned, to just retreat inside of himself and...let the world pass him by. It would be easier. It wouldn't hurt as much.
The weight beside him on the couch disappears, though he can still track Lan Wangji by the rustling of his clothes. Xingchen stays put, however, having not been explicitly invited to go where Lan Wangji is going, but this conversation hasn't felt like it really ended. So.
no subject
He thought.
But he takes another breath and tries to shake himself of these thoughts. They're always going to weigh on him, but he has to square up his shoulders and carry that weight. Lan Wangji doesn't say these things to poke at Xingchen's regrets; he speaks wise words, good words. Xingchen doesn't care about his own legacy. He really would have been content enough living out the rest of his days in a quiet town with the only friends he had left in the world. Maybe not as happy as he could be, but it would have been enough. Yet, now that everything feels as if it's rolling rapidly downhill, Lan Wangji has a point. Instead of letting himself roll right along with everything, he should at least try to grab onto something to pull himself out of it. His life in retrospect may have been a mess, but he can die trying to do something better.
His shattered bonds still hurt and it's going to take time to recover from them, if he ever does. His trust has been wounded and Xingchen wants more than anything right now, outside of being poisoned, to just retreat inside of himself and...let the world pass him by. It would be easier. It wouldn't hurt as much.
The weight beside him on the couch disappears, though he can still track Lan Wangji by the rustling of his clothes. Xingchen stays put, however, having not been explicitly invited to go where Lan Wangji is going, but this conversation hasn't felt like it really ended. So.
Xingchen stands up, too.]